As time goes by and Summer becomes more a part of our family, the excitement and thrill is slowly being replaced by a certain amount of panic as I begin to notice behaviors arising in Summer.
For what it's worth, both of Summer's birth parents were diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder. Summer's mother used hard drugs while she was in the womb. I guess you could say that Summer's behaviors and actions are a gift from her birth parents. Her legacy.
We are no less committed to Summer that we were in the beginning and we certainly have no regrets, but there are times when her behaviors are so severe that I am gripped with fear as I envision all the problems that we could potentially face.
As I watch Summer scream and spit and froth at the mouth, I imagine a 5 year old Summer running all around the stage during her kindergarten graduation. I imagine 8 year old Summer needing a therapy ball to bounce/sit on during class. 12 year old Summer on meds. Summer finding the matches. Summer killing kitty's. Summer getting fat. Sean having to take 18 year old Summer to the prom. Summer not moving out, Summer not getting married, Summer marrying a jerk, Summer making it on Eyewitness news....AHHHHHHHHHHH!
These moments of paranoia have recently been the underlying current to my sporadic irritability and tension.
It's like when you dye your hair and it turns out really bad and so you go to bed to forget about it. Then you wake up in the morning and you have a feeling that something was bothering you the night before but your not sure what and then......Gasp! You suddenly remember that your hair is peach and then you get that dizzy, dreadful feeling?
That's what keeps happening to me. All through my day, week after week, there is an undercurrent that keeps reminding me that my life is probably going to be really rough. And I don't know what to do to make it better.
I can see everyone thinking, "That's awful, Jacquelyn! Where's your faith, and hope and optimism!?"
I don't know.
But that was the frame of mind I was in Saturday as I began to clean the girl's room. I was already experiencing some frustrations because the girl's room is so small, and their mess is always so big, but I was also silently panicking as I listened to Summer screech and tantrum in the other room.
I peered under Jubilee's bed and began pulling out toys and clothes.
I belly-crawled further under the bed until I could touch the wall. I swiped at a few toys and then.... a surprising thing happened.
I felt...calmer.
Summer's screeching became muffled. The air was dark and cool. I rolled over on my back in a puddle of satin and tulle dress-up dresses and I stretched. I felt my muscles relaxing. Ahhhhhh! Why didn't I come here before?
As I lay there looking up and marveling at the intricacies of box springs, tears filled my eyes.
Jesus I'm soo tired. I'm so frustrated and worried. I really don't know what to do.
Some scriptures began to fill my mind. The scripture that says, "He that dwelleth in the secret place of the most High shall abide under the shadow of the Almighty". Psalm 91:1.
The verse that says, "Keep me as the apple of the eye, hide me under the shadow of thy wings". Psalm 17:8.
How many times in the scripture does God call His people unto Him, asking them for some alone time, in a quiet place. How many times does God says He will shield us, promising us protection and shelter if we will just come to Him? Maybe God keeps calling us because He knows that if we can get away from the commotion and noise of life and get away with Him, in a quiet place, then, and I think, only then can He speak to us.
I began to feel the peace of God, just laying under the bed, and I listened for the quiet voice of God to minister to my weaknesses and restore my faith and hope and confidence.
God has the answers to all of our problems, but how often had I taken the time to be still and listen? Surely not in the middle of a Summer meltdown. I had only given voice to the fears that Satan had whispered in my ear. The loudest voice in your mind will never be the voice of God. The voice of God will always be what you hear when you finally become quiet and you are still and ready to listen.
The Lord reminded me of the scripture, "Be anxious for NOTHING..."
Nothing? Really? Surely there is something worth being anxious over. Like snakes. And student loans. and uhh...Summer.
No. God wants our complete confidence. He has everything under control and all He wants is for us to be faithful and obedient. Rely on Him. Surprisingly a weight is lifted when you just release your anxiety and say, "Lord, I cast my cares onto you, there's nothing that you are not Lord over, and I commit my family and my future to you."
As I lay under the bed, God did not promise me that Summer would be cured and that our road would be smooth. God did not promise me that all my dreams for her would come true. But He did promise me that He would walk with me every step of the way.
I roll over. Happy sigh. "Thank you Lord for everything and for...."
Suddenly the door flies open and I hear the boys begin to laugh.
"Mom! Why are you under the bed!!?? Look! Mom's laying under the bed! DAD! Mom's under the bed!!"
Snickering.
Whispering.
"Look at her booty sticking up!!"
More snickering.
Footsteps.
SLAP!
"OWWWW! What the heck is your guys problem!!? That hurt!!!!" I say. "Can't anyone get some privacy around here!!!??"
Talk about getting yanked right off my spiritual cloud.
Silence.
"Sorry." Says Sean.
